Living in a Spaceship

For my whole life, I have wished that I lived in a house with the interior of a 1960s futuristic spaceship.

This is a dream that probably should have died when I was 12, but alas the dream lives on with splendid intensity and clarity!

Ideally the exterior would look something like this:

 Less trees and more stables for 

horses and unicorns would be preferable.

Incidentally, this would satisfy my other dream of living in a regal palace in the hills of Narnia.

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Once you step through the mighty wooden portal though, you would enter a new world of sterile white wonder.

Based on Stanley Kubrick's actual home, I imagine.

I don't know, maybe I spent too much time in hospital when I was young. Maybe I just watch too much science fiction?

I would like to know why the world looks less futuristic, now that we live in the actual future?

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Here is what the living space would be like:

Everyone needs a circular mirror in the living room

I would like to wake up in the morning, get my coffee out of a magic hole in the wall, and have my dehydrated space meal served on a metal tray with special dividers.

It would also be cool to have a murderous robot eye talk to me in a beguilingly soothing voice.

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And lastly the bedroom:

Back when all you needed was an 

enormous calculator and a novel on your desk

I'm not sure my girlfriend would appreciate this as our bedroom, but hey, she can go somewhere else and I'll just talk to her on my awesome grey telephone. Maybe later I'll get drunk on the various bottles of space liquor and watch colour TV!

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Dazzling Horse

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Ugly Guitars

In my last post I talked about Brian May's glorious home-made masterpiece of a guitar: The Red Special.

Here's me with my Brian May Red Special replica:

 

Photo's by Lightning Heart

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As fun as it is talking about awesome guitars, I think it's more fun talking about UGLY guitars.

Guitars that should never have been made.

Guitars that are so hideous,  it makes Dazzling Horse weep on his pillow at night.

Everytime one of these monstrosities is created, a new born Pony will die.

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The Golden Dragon!

Dragons are Majestic and terrifying beasts. This guitar is just plain terrifying.

The spindly frog's legs are especially horrific.

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'Toot toot'

It's a known fact that the Saxophone is the cheesiest musical instrument of all time, except for its use in Madness songs.

Why turn the noble guitar into a cheese machine?

Whoever made this is an abomination.

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'???'

I love comic book heroes! Especially Batman, because he has no powers, just money and mad skills.

What this person was thinking, putting a Marvel Super Hero with DC Super Heroes, I just don't know.

It just doesn't happen.

This looks like it was whipped together with a child's Plaster and Paint kit.

I choose not to think of the pain and humiliation that this perfectly decent Stratocaster must have felt.

I just hope the owner was equally humiliated when he unveiled this brute.

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Dazzling Horse

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Brian May - Coolest Nerd Ever!

Anyone who knows me, knows that I have a crazy obsession with Brian May.

He's a majestic Swan

He's not only the guitar player for the best band (scientific fact) on the planet: Queen.

He's also probably the biggest nerd ever, and that makes him extremely cool in my book.

Man?...or Mystical Winged Creature?

 He built his own guitar (The Red Special) out of wood from a 200 year old fireplace (wood that in all likely hood came from some ancient magical tree) and various other bits of scrap material including:

motorbike valve springs

saddle bag holder

knitting needle

mother of pearl buttons

an oak table

Wearing what I can only assume is an Elven Cloak

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He's also a Scientist!

He has a PhD in Astrophysics and has written texts including:

MgI Emission in the Night-Sky Spectrum (1972)

An Investigation of the Motion of Zodiacal Dust Particles (Part I) (1973)

And most recently in 2006, a comprehensive book on the complete history of the universe called: Bang!

Pirate Chic?

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Not cool enough yet?

Did I mention he's friends with Robert De Niro!?!

De Niro is controlled like a puppet by a 

lever in the back of his head

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So there you have it...COOLEST NERD EVER!

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Dazzling Horse

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Best Atari 2600 Games Ever

As much as modern console games are OK, I  have a real soft spot for some of the classic console games that I grew up with.

I call her 'Black Beauty'

Photo by Lightning Heart

Super flashy 3D graphics don't really do much for me.

I think fun game-play, coupled with crappy 2D graphics = the ultimate gaming experience.

Forget your X-Box 360's with their fancy graphics and over-the-top controllers with 7 million buttons!

Today I write about my favourite Atari 2600 games!

 Tower of Magnificence!

Photo by Lightning Heart

Take Tennis for example:

 Feels like you're in the game!

This game is very simple yet highly addictive, and gets very competitive in 2-player mode. It's pretty much just as awesome as Wii Sports Tennis, only you don't have to get off the couch to play, so actually it's better than Wii Sports Tennis!

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Next up is Pitfall!

 Pitfall Harry in the throes of adventure

This is one of the first 2D side-scrolling platform games.

With its hugely improved graphics and highly adventurous game-play, Pitfall! is a wild ride right from the start!

The best way to play this game is to run from right to left unlike all other side-scrolling games. This way you avoid jumping over dangerous logs.

Also it's not a good idea to die, because once your lives run out, that's it, you have to start over!

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Donkey Kong

Mario's first ever appearance!

Donkey Kong is a total classic. Although visually it gets boring because there are only 2 different screens.

Like all good games, it gets progressively harder as you play, until the point of ridiculousness and then you die.

The last time I played this I somehow managed to get the 11th highest score ever, obviously I have no proof of this, so you'll have to take my word for it!

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Dazzling Horse

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Tacky Fantasy Art

I LOVE Fantasy Art!

Not just 'good' Fantasy Art like on StarWars posters, but BAD Fantasy Art.

The kind of art that people who hoard dolphin ornaments like.

When I check the time I like to be 

hypnotised by regal Dolphins!

It's the kind of art that belongs to people who spell 'Fairy' as 'Faerie'.

It's the art you see on Biker Chick's t-shirts, the ones with howling wolves and full moons and dream catchers!

It's a secret (not anymore) pleasure of mine to bathe in the ethereal glow of hideously gaudy and tacky Fantasy Art.

Here is a collection of some of my favourites at the moment, enjoy!

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I start you off with a classic example. This one has everything, a Noble wolf (most likely a mother-wolf), a full moon and a Native American with a peace pipe.

I especially like the reversed(?) reflection of the wolf in the moon. Last time I checked, the moon only reflects light, not wolves. Magic you say? I think so too!

Find this picture in the house of that person who has that 'Magic Happens' bumper sticker on their car.

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 Probably drawn by a child Wizard

 Often the feature of Fantasy Art is the ever Majestic Unicorn. Dazzling Horse loves this one especially, although not as cool as a 'Pegacorn' (winged unicorn) the fact that it's doing a magical skid makes it really something special.

 

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I call this one 'Wolf's Lullaby'

I like this one because the White Wolf is a Noble and rare creature. The use of what appears to be a Spiral Galaxy only enhances the Wolf's Majesty.

I also love that she is wearing a Dazzling diamond necklace... most likely a tool of hypnosis.

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I leave you with a reminder that today marks the start of 'Movember'. So start growing your resplendant Moustaches!

Check out Lightning Heart's blog about Movember while you're at it and help her raise some monies!

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Dazzling Horse

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MacGyver Vs Sayid

As a child I grew up watching MacGyver with my big brother. We used to love it, MacGyver was so cool. My brother actually made me a grappling hook once out of coat-hanger wire, an octopus strap and candle wax!

MacGyver was a Stallion so majestic that even people who've never 

watched the show love MacGyver.

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As a grown up, I've struggled to find an equivalent Hero that comes even a tiny bit close to the unbridled glory of MacGyver.

That is until I discovered Sayid from Lost!

'My name is Sayid Jarrah, I was a 

torturrrer for the Republican Guard'

Sayid pretty much kicks everyone's arse, all of the time. He never makes mistakes about anything. He also has mad skills building electronics out of airplane wreckage. He's good at finding hidden trapdoors too.

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So I got to thinking. 

If it came to blows between the two masters of wizardry... who would be cut down like ripe wheat, and who would be the victor??

They both have serious mad skills:

-MacGyver used a chocolate bar to neutralise a sulphuric acid leak.

-Sayid used airplane wreckage to build gadgets to triangulate a 16 year old radio transmission.

But I think it all comes down to the fact that Sayid is played by Naveen Andrews, who happens to be a right Cockney Geezer (as seen on Lost Special Features DVD).

During the time it would take MacGyver to build a rocket launcher, by stuffing a can with fertiliser and a rag and putting that in a bamboo pipe. Sayid would have already glassed him in the face for wearing the wrong trainers and supporting the wrong football team.

So after much thought, I say Sayid would beat Macgyver in a fight.

MacGyver is still awesome though!

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Dazzling Horse

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Desirable Objects!

Being poor sucks, but that doesn't stop me 'window' shopping on my favourite Nerd website: ThinkGeek 

It's basically an online store full of wonderfully geeky products that I desire to own.

Here's a small selection of what I currently desire:

Usually when someone says to me: "Hey Harry, put your finger in this mysterious box!"

I'm a fair bit apprehensive. 

Not any more!

Tuttuki Bako Virtual Finger Game

What a rad idea for a game! 

Put your finger in the box and you get get a pixelated representation of your finger which you use to play weird little mini-games...awesome!

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Ever wished you lived inside a Mario Brothers game?

Now you can with Nintendo wall graphics!

Nintendo Wall Graphics - Mario Bros

 

Nintendo Wall Graphics - Donkey Kong

If I ever own a house, this is what my walls will look like!

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And this last one just because its super rad:

Stylophone Retro Pocket Synth

Ah, it sounds super tacky and it looks totally awesome, perfect for midnight solo jams!

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Dazzling Horse

Hilarious Metal Bands

One of my favourite games to play is searching myspace for metal bands with ridiculous names. It's as easy as typing in any majestic word like Dragon and selecting Black Metal or Metal in the Genre drop-down box. (Black Metal bands are the worst offenders!)

So I played this game today and thought I'd put my top 5 best 'Hilarious Metal Band Names' up:

At number 5 we have NOBLE BEAST. 

5. Noble Beast

This is a wondrous band that entirely lives up to it's name! Plenty of horse-gallop riffs, and high voices. It's the kind of music you would listen to riding a Noble Beast into a Palatial Kingdom!

Hilarious song of note: 'On Wings of Steel'

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At number 4 is WIZARD'S HYMN.

 4. Wizard's Hymn

Hailing from Japan, Wizard's Hymn sounds like the voice of the breeze made by a Katana as it glances off your face in a heated battle. Heavy, but with no shortage of ethereal synthesizers and noble piano interludes!

Hilarious song of note: 'Wake in Dreamland'

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 Lucky number 3 is NOSFERATU'S LAIR.

3. Nosferatu's Lair

Hilarious name and hilarious songs! Heavy like being trampled on by an Ogre, yet with obligatory gentle and melancholy synthesizer parts. It's like being punched in the face and then being Knighted in a Regal Palace

Hilarious song of note: 'Swallowed by Silence'

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At number 2 we have WRATH OF THE RAVEN'S DANCE

2. Wrath of the Raven's Dance

Finally a band that almost over-uses the noblest of all instruments, the Harpsichord. Raven's Dance  is truly majestic and is best listened to while reading Lord of the Rings in a 1500th Century Chapel, sipping from a silver goblet.

Hilarious song of note: 'Fallacy'

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And finally at number 1 the winner is BARBARIAN WARRIORS IN SEARCH OF WISDOM

 

1. Barbarian Warriors in Search of Wisdom

This band epitomises all that is noble and glorious, claiming to have songs running over the 30 minute mark, with this kind of subject matter:

'Their cries and poems deal mostly with Paganism, the old times, ancient wisdom, the Medieval Age, ancestral cultures, and the quest for knowledge.'

Sounds like the perfect soundtrack to a toilsome quest through Middle Earth!

Hilarious song of note: 'Thaldoma' (it has dueling flutes!)

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So there you have it, the Top 5 'Hilarious Metal Band Names'!

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Dazzling Horse

Resplendent Beards

Since I'm off sick from work for 6 weeks, and I have to shave everyday for work, I have made it my mission to grow a resplendent beard!

In honour of my noble quest, I will dedicate this post to the manliest of all manly things: Beards!

Now there is a a big difference between a regular, everyday beard and a resplendent beard.

Resplendent beards are almost always found on Wizards,  usually in the hue of 'Wizard White'. They are soft and are like woven silk to the touch!

Normal beards, as worn by the rough-hewn Russell Crowe are the most common. They are quite ordinary, and altogether lack the rich majesty of a resplendent beard.

Here is an artists impression of an amazing White Wizard...wow!

George Harrison (RIP) of The Beatles crossed the boundaries of the ordinary beard into the palatial realm of resplendent beards, although he probably wasn't a True Magical Wizard, he was a minstrel that wove his magic with his songwriting skills:

(He appears to have a lady tip-toeing on his head...coincidence?)

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In my search to find beards I came across a man(?) that deserves a special mention, although lacking in the beard stakes, he sports the most illustrious mane Dazzling Horse has ever seen:

I got to thinking though, this is no man! Only Majestic Steeds have such illuminating splendour donned upon their brow. I believe he may actually be a Centaur, a mythical beast with the head and torso of a man, with the body of a horse. 

What would happen if you crossed a Centaur with a Pegasus(winged horse)...

You would get a 'Pegataur':

artistic impression of 'Pegataur' by me

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I leave you with a question: Do Wizards have their resplendent beard before they are a Wizard? Or do they grow the beard once they become a Wizard??

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Dazzling Horse

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